


This is a Cat-tastrophe

by reptilianraven



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Fluff, M/M, or: The One Where Derek Has Seven Cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 03:15:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2253777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptilianraven/pseuds/reptilianraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Honestly, I don't see the problem here.” Kira says as Igloo crawls up onto her shoulder. She idly feeds him a small piece of parsley. "You're into him, he's pretty into you. You both bond over it through cat care tips. A hot guy plus cats? That's a jackpot. There's no downside here."</p>
<p>"Yeah, everything would be perfect if it wasn't for the fact that I don't actually own any cats!" Stiles yells, bordering on manic.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The one where Stiles thinks that Derek only talks to him because he thinks Stiles owns a cat. The problem is that Stiles doesn't own a cat at all. Instead, he has a judgmental iguana and a crush on the guy living on the 4th floor. Everything is terrible. Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is a Cat-tastrophe

**Author's Note:**

> i survived the first term of this school year alive both tangibly and academically so i celebrated by writing this thing real quick. a self indulgent, trope filled, apartment/petfic. enjoy.

Stiles is posting a lost cat picture outside his apartment building.

_LOST CAT_ , The poster says in huge letters. Right under that is a picture of Scott’s beloved calico cat, one blue eye and one yellow eye. Under that is more text. _NAME: “SNIFFLES”. WILL RESPOND TO BEING CALLED "SNIFFLES"._

It was an equation for disaster from the beginning. Scott asked Stiles to watch over Sniffles because he was going to be out of town for a few weeks with Deaton. Stiles agreed of course, but he just moved into this apartment a week ago, so he made the rookie mistake of assuming that the window to the fire escape was locked. Turns out, there was no lock at all. 

Sniffles fled into the night.

Sniffles probably left because Stiles absolutely hated her, but to be fair, that was more of her fault than his. She’s snarly and fussy and anti-social. Stiles has no idea how such a monster could have been raised by Scott’s kind hands. 

The worst part is that even _Igloo_ hated her, and Igloo is absolutely perfect. Igloo the Iguana has been Stiles’ faithful companion for a good chunk of his life. He’s got this bitchy resting face and he’s quiet and slow and he just complements Stiles really well. So obviously, when Sniffles and Igloo met, it was basically Armageddon. 

So maybe Stiles doesn’t really feel all that bad that Sniffles is lost out there in the big bad world. In fact, he’s relieved and Igloo is as ecstatic as an iguana could get. Scott though, is absolutely devastated. Scott’s still got a few days before he comes back so it’s Stiles’ responsibility to find the Feline Demon Spawn.

“Either you come back or somebody better find you,” Stiles hisses at the lost cat poster. He can’t help but feel that those printed cat eyes are mocking him. “Scott will best friend divorce me if you don’t show up soon.”

“Sniffles?” A voice says behind him. Stiles turns around to come face to face with Derek Hale, otherwise known as “The Actual Angel Who Lives On The 4th Floor.”

Derek Hale, he carries groceries up the stairs for the little old lady who lives on the 7th floor when the elevator is looking especially horror movie worthy. He wakes up a little bit earlier on the weekends so that he can shop at the farmer’s market. He doesn’t smile much, but when he does, it’s brighter than a supernova. 

Stiles isn’t a stalker or anything. He just moved in, so it’s impossible for him to know any of this stuff first hand. Sure, he’s seen all this stuff happen at least once, but the real reason is his neighbor, Kira, who lives across him and assures him that these are reoccurring events.

“He’s a super hot angel wrapped up in a leather jacket over a Henley.” She told him once when she was helping him with a box he dropped on the staircase. “He also owns like, a bunch of cats. Derek’s awesome.”

Stiles isn’t sure yet if Derek is as awesome as Kira makes him out to be. Stiles has only seen him briefly in the hallways or in the elevator where they exchange polite nods and waves of recognition. Though Stiles can agree on one thing Kira said, Derek Hale is hot.

In fact, it’s an understatement, because Derek Hale just caught him aggressively speaking to a lost cat poster. Derek Hale, who apparently just went out for a jog and looks downright _sinful_.

Stiles is probably staring because he never thought that it was possible for exercise to actually look good on a person. Sweaty, breathless, and tired is just really gross. Derek didn’t get the memo though because he doesn’t look breathless or tired or gross, and he isn’t even sweating so much as _glistening_. This is a disaster. Derek Hale is a disaster. Derek Hale is—

Currently speaking to him.

“Uh, I’m sorry what?” Stiles reenters the real world. Derek’s been talking to him for a good minute or so and Stiles was probably looking dumb the entire time. “Sorry, I didn’t catch any of what you were saying. Got distracted. I saw, uh, a bird.” There was no bird. Just Derek’s existence.

“You’re Stiles right?” Derek says, not bothered by Stiles’ inability to function like a human being. “You moved in a few weeks ago across Kira?”

“Yeah. Totally. I’m Stiles. That Stiles that moved in. I’m him.” _Smooth._

“I’m Derek.” 

“I know.” Holy shit why did he just say that? “I mean not in a creepy way or anything! Kira told me about you.”

“She told me about you too.” He says. “She didn’t tell me you lost your cat though.”

“What cat?” Stiles asks and Derek points at the lost cat poster. “Oh yeah. Sniffles is one sly fucker. The window to the fire escape wasn’t locked apparently, so she just skedaddled.”

“Cats come and go pretty easily, she’ll come back, so don’t worry.” Derek tells him. “Leave your window open by a bit. She might just let herself back in.”

“Awesome. I’ll do just that.” Stiles says because he doesn’t know what to say when somebody like Derek Hale gives him cat advice. 

“Alright. I’ve gotta go. I hope you find your cat. Bye, Stiles.” Derek says as he makes his way back into the building.

“You too!” Stiles calls after him before he realizes that that’s not the appropriate reply. “I mean, not that you find your cat too. I meant goodbye. To you.”

Stiles wants the ground underneath him to open up and eat him from embarrassment. Derek on the other hand just waves at him, a slight, almost fond smile on his face, as he goes into the lobby.

“Huh,” Stiles says to the cat poster.

\---

When you gain something, you lose something. Equal exchange and all that stuff. In this case, Stiles gained a short yet wonderful, if not slightly awkward on Stiles’ side, conversation with Derek. One he very happily told Kira about in the elevator before he got too enthusiastic and the elevator made an ominous sound, prompting him to stop. Stiles should have expected a loss to come to him with equal intensity, but he doesn’t. So this is what happens:

It’s 10 in the morning and Stiles is half dead because he decided to cram a paper last night. Last night turned into this morning and all Stiles has is a lot of typos and a lot of regret. He falls into his bed, planning on hibernating for the rest of the day, when somebody knocks on his door.

It’s probably Scott. Yesterday he texted that he might be back in town early, so it’s probably Scott passing by to pick up Sniffles, who Stiles hasn’t found yet. 

This is why Stiles answers the door donned in only his boxers and a blanket draped around his shoulders like a cape. He opens the door and of course, since the universe hates Stiles, it isn’t Scott. It’s Derek Hale.

“I think I found your cat.” Derek says before his eyes scan the rest of Stiles. He then very politely brings his gaze back up to Stiles’ eyes. “Uh.”

“Holy shit.” Stiles breathes out before he slams the door in Derek’s face. He realizes what he’s done and opens the door in horror.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I haven’t slept since yesterday and my brain is fried.” Stiles wraps his blanket all around him to protect Derek’s eyes from his pasty whiteness. “You found Sniffles?”

“Yeah, I think.” He says. “But, uh, I didn’t find her yet. I think I know where to find her though. So.” He finishes off awkwardly.

“That’s great. That’s so great.” Stiles tells him solemnly. “Just give me two minutes to put on some clothes and some dignity.”

Derek is waiting for him in the hallway a few minutes later once Stiles is clothed. 

“Sniffles time.” Stiles says. “Alrighty, Derek. Where do you think my cat is?”

“I think she’s at my apartment, actually.” Derek starts walking to the stairs and Stiles follows him. “I own a bunch of cats of my own, and it just so happens that one of them looks a lot like yours. Calico. One yellow eye, one blue. Thing is, I’ve been seeing that cat a whole lot more often than I usually do.”

“Ohh, I think I see where this is going,” Stiles tells him. “You’re telling me that my cat is at your place and you totally didn’t notice because she looks exactly like your cat?”

“Pretty much,” Derek says. “My little sister leaves the window open sometimes and your cat probably wanted some company.”

“Alright then. All we need to figure out is which one is Sniffles and which one isn’t.”

“Yeah, I tried calling for her but I guess she isn’t used to me. She should respond to you if she’s in there,” Derek says. They are in front of the door to Derek’s place. “Uh, sorry in advanced about the mess.”

Derek opens the door and lets Stiles in and, of course, there is no mess at all. Not even a semblance of anything considered a mess is in sight. Derek’s apartment looks absolutely lovely in comparison to Stiles’. It’s neat and cozy. Against the window sill there are a few potted plants, there aren’t any papers or discarded shirts strewn around the floor, and while Derek’s book collection seems to rival Stiles, his is arranged in a bookshelf instead of the precarious book towers Stiles has in his apartment. 

“Okay, so. I’m just gonna go and, uh, call Sniffles.” Stiles starts and Derek looks at him expectantly. 

“Sniffles!” He calls out. “Sniffles it’s time go back home. Sniffles.” _Sniffles you little bitch, come out here so I can stop looking like an idiot_. “Um, Sniffles is going through her rebellious phase.”

Derek just looks slightly amused. God, he could probably summon his cat with his mind or something. “It’s okay. I’ve got a bit of a backup plan. I figure if we can’t get your cat to come out, we can just get all of my cats to come out.”

“Oh yeah, where are they?” Stiles asks. Other from some cat hair on the couch, the place seems relatively cat free.

“Hiding maybe. Just sit on the couch and they should come out.” Derek says as Stiles dutifully sits on his couch. “They have this habit of greeting newcomers when they sit on the couch. I can’t really figure out why.”

“Cool,” Stiles hums as a cat emerges from another room. Then another. Then a few more. It’s actually kind of creepy. They appear from crevices and under furniture to inspect Stiles, they rub against his leg before deciding that Stiles is essentially one with the couch and they lie down on him as well. Stiles is covered in furry purring machines when he realizes that, well, 

“These are a lot of fucking cats.” Stiles tells Derek.

Derek scratches the back of his head looking _embarrassed._ “Yeah, uh, I thought you knew?”

“Kira told me you had cats and I expected like, three cats. Four at most. There are a hundred on me.” Stiles tries to gesture at himself but his arms are shackled to the couch by cats. 

“There are only six on you, Stiles.”

“You own six cats.” 

“Seven actually, here’s the last one.” Derek says as another cat walks out of a room. The cat looks exactly like Sniffles. “That’s Des.”

“I’m pretty sure you need a permit to own this many cats.” Stiles says as Des joins in the cat pile. "Do you have a permit?"

“I do.”

“Why?”

“Because I own seven cats.”

“No, I meant _why do you own seven cats?_ ”

“I found Sniffles,” Derek says, effectively changing the subject as he peers behind one of his bookshelves, bending down and pulling Sniffles out from behind it. 

“Sniffles!” Stiles says in what he hopes looks like genuine happiness and relief. Sniffles just hisses aggressively at him. Yeah, that’s Sniffles alright. Stiles stands up, cats vacating his body, as Derek deposits Sniffles into his arms. Sniffles just starts up a low, continuous growl. 

The front door opens behind Stiles and a girl—Derek’s little sister?—walks in. 

“Oh,” She says. “Who’s this? And why do we have two calicos? Derek, did you clone Des?”

“Stiles, this is Cora, my little sister,” Derek says. “This is Stiles and his cat, Sniffles.”

Stiles was about to extend his hand for a handshake when Cora’s eyes widen a bit in recognition.

“Wait,” Cora says. “ _You’re_ Stiles? This is the cutie living across Kira?” She turns to Derek and he looks like he’s dying. Cora turns back to Stiles, her eyes giving him a once over, before she nods and decides, “Hm, he _is_ pretty cute.”

And then Derek is pushing Stiles out the door. “Okay, sorry, you’ve gotta go. I’m glad you found Sniffles. Bye, Stiles.” He says before slamming the door closed.

Stiles stands absolutely still in the hallway, Sniffles still growling in his arms. He can hear the sound of faint cackling from the apartment.

“He thinks I’m cute?” Stiles says to Sniffles probably. Sniffles just growls louder.

\---

It’s around seven in the evening and Stiles is on his laptop. Igloo is fast asleep on some of his papers and Sniffles is by the window meowing like crazy.

Stiles pays no attention to her. He already fed her so she has no real reason to be this noisy. All she probably wants is to get back to Derek Hale’s Cat Gang, but if she stays there too long she would just get attached and Scott would never get her back. 

Sniffles starts to scratch at the window and that is _it._

“Hey, Sniffles McPissbaby. Quit it.” Stiles swivels his chair around. “You’re not getting out this time so just—” He stops when he looks at the window, where there seems to be another cat on the other side of it. It’s a familiar looking brown tabby cat which is longingly meowing back at Sniffles. 

“Oh this is some Romeo and Juliet bullshit right here,” Stiles stands and grabs Sniffles, gently tossing her away from the windowsill. He opens the window. “Hey buddy,” He says to the cat. “Time to scram. Come on, shoo.”

“Soph? Soph get back here.” Stiles hears somebody say from above him. The cat bolts past Stiles and into his apartment. Stiles pops his head out of the window, looking up into the fire escape a floor above his, and he sees Derek ‘I Think He Thinks I’m Cute’ Hale.

“Hey neighbor,” Stiles says. “Was that your cat? Because I think your cat is sort of in love with my cat.”

“Hi, Stiles.” Derek sighs. “Sorry about Soph, Cora left the window open again.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Stiles says as Derek climbs down the fire escape to Stiles’ floor. “Sniffles is pleased.”

“You should probably get Soph out though,” Derek advises him. “It looks like you’ve got a lot of papers around and Soph really likes tearing stuff up.”

“Yeah, sure. Just give me a sec,” Stiles says. He quickly makes his way back into his apartment, nudging Sniffles away from where she was happily showering Soph with attention. He picks Soph up, ignoring Sniffles’ loud protests. 

“Here you go,” He hands Soph over to Derek. “Goodbye, Sophia.”

“He’s actually named Sophocles.” Derek says.

“Wow, really?” Stiles says. “What are the rest named?”

“Uh, Euripides, Aristophanes, Pythagoras, Socrates, Plato and, Des.” He says quietly. “I’m a history major.” He explains.

“Des is a bit out of place.”

“Cora named that one.”

“Des is short for Destroyer,” Cora says from the window or Derek’s apartment. “Her full name is Death Destroyer of Worlds.” Derek just glares at her until she raises her hands and says, “Alright, alright. I’ll leave you two awkward lovebirds alone. Geez.”

“I should probably get going too,” Derek tells him. “Thanks for getting Soph.”

“You too!” Stiles says and _fuck_ not again. “I meant, thanks to you too. Thanks for talking to me, I mean. You know what? I’m gonna go before I incriminate myself further. Goodnight, Derek.”

Derek just climbs up the fire escape with a faint laugh. “Goodnight, Stiles.”

“You,” Stiles shuts his window and he turns to point at Sniffles, who has decided to lie down on his laptop, probably in some sort petty act of revenge. “You are useful sometimes. Now get off, that’s Igloo’s spot.”

\---

Stiles isn’t an anti-cat person or anything. He has never had anything against cats. He was always just more of a reptile guy. 

Since his dad had been allergic to anything with fur, Stiles wasn’t able to get a cat or a dog or even a hamster. He tried to convince his dad once to let him own a bird but apparently they were too noisy. So he got a green iguana when he was nine and it was a match made in heaven. Igloo was furless, quiet, and perfect in every way. Igloo was Stiles’ second best friend—Scott takes first place—all throughout Stiles’ high school career. So when he graduated and moved out, he had to take Igloo with him. Igloo is a super important component in Stiles’ life.

So, no, Stiles has nothing against cats. It just so happens that Sniffles is a cat and Sniffles is an evil asshole to both Igloo and him. Stiles is anti-Sniffles.

This is probably why Stiles gleefully yells, “Goodbye Shitlord!” at the top of his lungs when Scott knocks on his door to take Sniffles back.

“Dude, did you just call my cat Shitlord?” Scott says while Stiles dumps Sniffles into his arms.

“Yeah, I did. It’s good to see you back, bro, but seriously, take that devil away from me and never give it back,” Stiles tells him.

“Yeah, alright.” Scott smiles.

Scott leaves and Stiles could sing right now. Today is awesome. Scott is back, Sniffles is gone, and Derek smiled at him adorably when they met on the stairs this morning. He picks up Igloo and snuggles him as he thinks back to how he and Derek briefly spoke about cats. Stiles totally bullshitted the cat talk though since he doesn’t actually know much about cats. He’d have wanted to talk about something else but cats seem to be Derek Hale’s default conversation topic. Like, it’s all he ever talks to Stiles about—

“Oh shit.” Stiles says to Igloo. “Oh shit, he only ever talks about cats with me.”

Stiles looks at Igloo and he just stares back.

“I’m catless, I’m _nothing_.” He says and Igloo just looks like how he always looks like. He cannot comprehend this disaster. “I need a human.”

“Is that an iguana?” Kira asks when she opens her door for Stiles. “That is so cool.”

“I’ve got a Derek problem,” He tells her.

“I’ve got parsley. Iguanas eat parsley right?” She says before she realizes what Stiles had just said. “Oh my god, get in here you mess.” She pulls him into her apartment and sits him down on the couch before she goes into the kitchen in search of parsley.

“Alright, what’s your deal?” Kira asks him when she returns, winning over Igloo’s affections with a sprig of parsley. “I thought things with you and Derek were going pretty alright based on what Cora’s been telling me. She said that Derek saw you in your boxers. That sounds promising. What did you mess up?”

“That was not promising, it was embarrassing.” Stiles groans. “And I didn’t mess up anything.”

“So what’s up then?”

“Derek only ever talks about cats with me.”

“Honestly, I don't see the problem here.” Kira says as Igloo crawls up onto her shoulder. She idly feeds him a small piece of parsley. "You're into him, he's pretty into you. You both bond over it through cat care tips. A hot guy plus cats? That's a jackpot. There's no downside here."

"Yeah, everything would be perfect if it wasn't for the fact that I don't actually own any cats!" Stiles yells, bordering on manic. “He only started talking to me because of Sniffles, a cat that I don’t own. Sniffles is my best friend’s cat, not mine.”

“Oh, you mean that guy who was just at your apartment?” Kira asks and Stiles nods. “He was really cute.” 

“Yeah, that’s Scott.” He says and Kira stares at him expectantly. “Oh my god, I’ll introduce you two once I’ve figured out how to keep getting Derek to associate with me even though I don’t have a cat.”

“I’m pretty sure Derek would still talk to you despite your catlessness.” Kira says as she strokes Igloo’s back. “He’s got this crush on you which is about as embarrassing as how you still probably address him using his full name in your head.”

“I don’t do that.” Stiles grumbles. “I don’t know his middle name.”

“It’s Alexander.”

“Holy shit, really?” _Derek Alexander Hale_. 

“Yeah, really.” She says. “I’m also serious about the cat bit. Cat or no cat, Derek likes you.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. What I do know is that he’s more comfortable in his cat zone, you know? Without the cat crutch it’ll just be awkward conversations and me saying weird shit.”

Kira rolls her eyes. “Stiles, believe me when I say that you’re blowing this whole cat thing out of proportion. Just find something else to talk about and go tap that ass.”

\---

He and Derek get stuck in the elevator together the next day.

Of course.

“I knew this thing was a deathtrap.” Stiles says, kicking the wall of the elevator. They were probably in between the 1st and 2nd floor when the elevator made this terrible groaning noise before it came to a halt.

“Don’t worry,” Derek presses the emergency call button a few times. “It’s been a long time coming. They were actually going to have it checked today, so we’ll be out in no time.”

Here’s the thing, no time is ironically still enough time for awkward silences. And here it is. Stiles is counting down for the inevitable. Five, four, three, two—

“So, uh, how’s Sniffles?” Derek asks.

“She isn’t my cat!” Stiles caves immediately. He is _weak_. “I’m sorry. Sniffles is my best friend’s cat and I was just looking after her while he was out. I don’t have any cats, I just have an iguana.”

“Oh,” Derek says. “Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it? _Okay?_ ”

“Uh, yeah?” Derek says, raising his eyebrows. “What did you think I was gonna do? Accuse you of being a deceiver and burn you at the stake?”

“Kinda!” Stiles says and Derek just looks at him like Stiles is an alien.

“I want to date you, Stiles. Not the cat.” 

“Well, good. Sniffles is a fucking monster—wait up,” Stiles backtracks. “You want to date me?”

“Yeah, I thought it was obvious.” Derek mumbles. “I was actually going to ask you out for dinner when you got to your floor but the elevator got stuck and—”

Stiles shuts him up by grabbing Derek’s face and mashing his mouth with Derek’s clumsily. Very clumsily. He pulls away for a second to say “Ow,” but Derek’s pulls him back in with a hand around his waist and another tilting Stiles’ head to avoid another unattractive mouth collision. Surprise, surprise, Derek Alexander Hale is really good at kissing.

“Do iguanas eat hibiscus?” Derek asks a little breathlessly when they pull away.

“Yeah, Igloo loves it. Why?”

“I’ve got a potted hibiscus in my apartment and I’m giving it to you.” Derek tells him.

“You’re giving me flowers?” Stiles asks in absolute disbelief.

“I’m giving you flowers for your iguana to eat.” 

“Nope, you don’t get to rephrase it. You’re giving me flowers and it’s super romantic.” Stiles says. “We’re having dinner later and I’m gonna romance the fuck out of you before we have sex in my apartment, not yours because you have cats and a sister.”

“You’ve been thinking ahead.” Derek says, moving his face to the crook of Stiles’ neck. 

“Yeah, I have. I plan. This is me, and if you want to date me you have to realize that I’m a scheming, catless, romantic sap. I’m a cat-tastrophe.”

“How long have you been wanting to say that?”

“Ever since you first spoke to me. Like I said, I plan. I’m a schemer.”

“Well, I think I can deal with a scheming, catless, romantic sap, if it’s you.” Derek says, kissing Stiles’ neck.

_Oh my god_. “How long do we have until we get out of here?” Stiles squeaks.

“Probably a few minutes.” Derek says, his voice sending shivers down Stiles’ spine. “A lot can happen in a few minutes.

“Awesome.”

Thankfully, both of them are mostly clothed and generally decent looking when the elevator doors are pried open. They don’t get out completely unscathed though because Kira and Cora were outside waiting for them the whole time. Cora mimes gagging and Kira gives them a thumbs up. There aren’t any cats involved so Stiles figures it’s an improvement. Wait, scratch that, he has a date with Derek, Derek Alexander Hale. It’s definitely an improvement.

**Author's Note:**

> i dont really understand how the cat limit works in america (we dont have a limit over here) and how to get a permit, but lets just pretend that derek totally has valid reason to own seven cats. all cat facts are from what ive seen from my cousin who has 20+ cats in his home. (if you sit on the couch. all the cats will sit on you.) 
> 
> special thanks to my social studies teacher who unknowingly named most of derek's cats when i asked him "sir, if you owned 6 cats what would you name them?"
> 
> im [actualbird](http://actualbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
